31.7.11
Libyan rebel commander killed by allied militia - World - Canoe.ca
Libyan rebel commander killed by allied militia - World - Canoe.ca
talk about the wild wild mid-east..
T.O. Caribbean fest gunman shot dead by cops - Crime - Canoe.ca
T.O. Caribbean fest gunman shot dead by cops - Crime - Canoe.ca
because it's not a party till someone dies..
30.7.11
The little girl & the Atheist:
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is
no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled
smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is
no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled
smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
Three homicides hit Edmonton in one week - Crime - Canoe.ca
Three homicides hit Edmonton in one week - Crime - Canoe.ca
Edmonton's always trying to break the record...
The Magician
> > A magician worked on a cruise ship.
> >
> > The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
> >
> > There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
> > understand how the magician did every trick.
> >
> > Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!"
> > or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
> >
> > The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
> >
> > Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
> > The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea,
> > as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
> >
> > They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
> >
> > This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day,
> > the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
> >
> > "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?
> >
> > The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
> >
> > There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
> > understand how the magician did every trick.
> >
> > Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!"
> > or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
> >
> > The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
> >
> > Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
> > The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea,
> > as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
> >
> > They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
> >
> > This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day,
> > the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
> >
> > "OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?
29.7.11
Increase Your Brain Power by Doing Things the Hard Way
Increase Your Brain Power by Doing Things the Hard Way
i'm sure this'll catch on... (as i devise even more complicated formulas in Excel...)
28.7.11
old age & treachery..
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
women, or whiskey?
WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.
Never mind.
Microsoft Adds RAW Support to Windows. At Last | Gadget Lab | Wired.com
Microsoft Adds RAW Support to Windows. At Last | Gadget Lab | Wired.com
excluding MY camera of course.. not that it matters..
Symform offers 100GB cloud storage for free, kind of | Crave - CNET
Symform offers 100GB cloud storage for free, kind of | Crave - CNET
but trading 150gb of your own local storage?
27.7.11
Chinese Wedding Night:
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?
26.7.11
The following conversation was heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz.
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait.'
Air Defense Radar: (total silence)
Politically incorrect:
> One week later he pops his head over the fence again and says, "I want you
> to kill my wife for me, I'll pay you $10,000." I accept, telling him all
> it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
> He looks at me and says, "I want her dead - not fucking knee-capped!"
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black
> orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Recession beater. Wife says to husband, "If you start riding that new
> bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car." He
> replies, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can
> get rid of the nanny!"
> ____________________________________________________
> What's the difference between a refugee and ET?
> ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits,
> had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
> ____________________________________________________
>
> A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
> The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A
> moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my
> wife after only five cans!"
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house
> for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my
> cock. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
>
> Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
> door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
> back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every
> day.
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got
> locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my
> defence..... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts
> kick in.
> ____________________________________________________
>
> My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going." I
> said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when
> you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to
> whistle!"
> ____________________________________________________
>
> I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some
> money. Last night I serviced a Girl called Penny - spooky or what?
>
> The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think
> about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the
> right answer.
> ____________________________________________________
>
> My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night
> and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
> ___________________________________________________
> When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Albertan men responded that
> their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the
> birth of their first-born child.... Obviously none of them have ever seen
> an Arab being run down by a Tractor Trailer.
> to kill my wife for me, I'll pay you $10,000." I accept, telling him all
> it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
> He looks at me and says, "I want her dead - not fucking knee-capped!"
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black
> orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Recession beater. Wife says to husband, "If you start riding that new
> bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car." He
> replies, "If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can
> get rid of the nanny!"
> ____________________________________________________
> What's the difference between a refugee and ET?
> ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits,
> had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
> ____________________________________________________
>
> A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
> The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A
> moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my
> wife after only five cans!"
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house
> for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my
> cock. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
>
> Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front
> door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
> back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every
> day.
> ____________________________________________________
>
> Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got
> locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my
> defence..... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts
> kick in.
> ____________________________________________________
>
> My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going." I
> said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cus when
> you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to
> whistle!"
> ____________________________________________________
>
> I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some
> money. Last night I serviced a Girl called Penny - spooky or what?
>
> The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think
> about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the
> right answer.
> ____________________________________________________
>
> My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night
> and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
> ___________________________________________________
> When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Albertan men responded that
> their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the
> birth of their first-born child.... Obviously none of them have ever seen
> an Arab being run down by a Tractor Trailer.
Great jokes, in poor taste:
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power.'
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually. '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, you’re still black'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself :"I’m going to take that".
I had a Trivia competition win guaranteed until the last question which I got wrong.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself :"I’m going to take that".
I had a Trivia competition win guaranteed until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was: Where do women have the curliest hair?? The answer I should have given was Fiji.
Police Say 3 Oregon Men Took LSD, Fought Naked - News Story - KTVZ Bend
Police Say 3 Oregon Men Took LSD, Fought Naked - News Story - KTVZ Bend
sTrAnGe...and it wasn't even Florida!
Wayne County | Gang cop's actions cost Detroit $677,000 | The Detroit News
Wayne County | Gang cop's actions cost Detroit $677,000 | The Detroit News
ECP must be taking their training with these guys..
Muslim prayers in public schools protested - Canada - Canoe.ca
Muslim prayers in public schools protested - Canada - Canoe.ca
UNacceptable..religion has NO place in the public school system.
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