Andy Rooney on sex:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....  I don't remember what I chose. 
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 
3. A wife is a sex object.. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.  
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."  
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 
8. Virginity can be cured. 
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.  
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't. 

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!