My new neighbor popped his head over the fence today and said, “Hey Homes...Wa's goin' down?” I said, “The value of my fucking house you black prick!”
One week later he pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.” I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!”
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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
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Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
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What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”
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Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
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My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
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I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I serviced a Girl called Penny – spooky or what?
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
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My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
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When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Albertan men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child…. Obviously none of them have ever seen an Arab being run down by a Tractor Trailer.
He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!”
____________________________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
____________________________________________________
Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
____________________________________________________
What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”
____________________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I serviced a Girl called Penny – spooky or what?
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
____________________________________________________
My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
___________________________________________________
When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Albertan men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child…. Obviously none of them have ever seen an Arab being run down by a Tractor Trailer.
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