27.3.13
24.3.13
23.3.13
20.3.13
The church & the whorehouse.
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
19.3.13
18.3.13
17.3.13
14.3.13
11.3.13
10.3.13
9.3.13
8.3.13
Old people..
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Married life...
A man invites his friend back home for dinner.
The wife screams at him . . ."I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!
the Hell did you invite him around for?"
"Cuz he's thinking of getting married."
Lawyers..
YOU BETCHA
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way
volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over ten million
dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh-no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut
off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a
mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another
who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry,
I had no idea. "And the lawyer says, "So. . . if I didn't give any money to
them, what the fuck makes you think I'd give any to you?"
6.3.13
5.3.13
Lesbians jokes, (in poor taste..)
openly gay female Liberal Premier..
'Lesbionics'....and many more
What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
~A licker cabinet
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
~A Klondyke
~Fur traders.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
~Well Hung.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
~Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
~One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.
What do you have when you've got
50 lesbians and 50 Ontario provincial government workers?
~100 people that don't do dick.
New Snow White?
4.3.13
Fingers...
Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do.
" Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."
" What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers ?
Lord t'undrin Jesus it's 2012! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new !
Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
Johnny says ... (Are you ready for this?????)
Remember this is a Newfie .
" How da hell was I suppose to pick dem up??
3.3.13
2.3.13
Message from Don Rickles
Seriously, Senator Reid has a face of a Saint... a Saint Bernard. Now I know why they call you the arithmetic man. You add partisanship, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Reid is so physically unimposing, he makes Pee Wee Herman look like Mr. T. And Reid's so dumb, he makes Speaker Pelosi look like an intellectual. Nevada is soooo screwed! If I were less polite, I'd say Reid makes Kevin Federline look successful.
Speaking of the Speaker... Nancy Pelosi, hubba, hubba! Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity. Seriously, the ex-Speaker may look like an idiot and talks like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. She really is an idiot.
Charlie Rangel... Still alive and still robbing the taxpayers blind. What does that make, six decades of theft? Rangel's the only man with a rent-controlled mansion. He's the guy who writes our tax laws but forgot to pay taxes on $75 thousand in rental income! So why isn't he the Treasury Secretary? Rangel runs more scams than a Nigerian Banker.
Barney Frank... he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider that he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown, and they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney, they're still heading up the financial system! Let's all admit it... Barney Frank slobbers more than a sheepdog on Novacain. How did this guy get elected? Oh, that's right... he's from Massachusetts . That's the state that elects Mr. Charisma, John Kerry... man of the people!
You know, if Senator Dodd were any more crooked, you could open wine bottles with him. Here's a news flash, Dodd: When your local newspaper calls you a "lying weasel," it may be time to retire. Dodd's involved in more shady deals than the Clintons . Even Rangel looks up to him!
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, I really respect you... Especially given your upbringing ~ All you've overcome. I heard your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory. I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works for you. Personally, I don't think you're a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?
As for President Barack Hussein Obama, what can I say? They say Barack is arrogant and aloof, but I don't agree. Now it's true when you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
His mind is open to new ideas... so open that ideas simply pass through it. Obama lies so much, I was actually surprised to find out his first name really is Barry or Barack or something? Just don't ask about his middle name! But Obama was able to set a record... He actually lied more in one day than Bill Clinton did in four years.
President Obama just completed the UNHOLY and ANTI-AMERICAN TRIFECTA:
1st president in 110 years to miss the annual Army-Navy Football Game.
1st president to not attend any Christmas religious observance.
1st president to stay on vacation after a terrorist attack.
AND ALL IN THE SAME MONTH! WHAT A GREAT MUSLIM PRESIDENT!!
Sure-bet laws:
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater & Stadium - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
And.....If you don't forward
this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes your belly
button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.
Really.... It's true. . . it's called Fallbutt's law