A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, So kindly fuck off and wait for a camel!"
28.2.13
Life?
What I want in a Man, Original List (Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6.. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn't fart in public
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet
KEEP READING, THERE'S MORE BELOW
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
SEND THIS TO THE WOMEN WHO WILL ENJOY READING IT, AND TO THE MEN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6.. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn't fart in public
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet
KEEP READING, THERE'S MORE BELOW
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL. NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT
YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
SEND THIS TO THE WOMEN WHO WILL ENJOY READING IT, AND TO THE MEN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!
27.2.13
26.2.13
Get ready to be offended.
I 'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dum-dum!!
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but aggravating everyone is a piece of cake.
24.2.13
23.2.13
22.2.13
21.2.13
20.2.13
19.2.13
18.2.13
The Ostrich:
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll
have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That willBe
$9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and Pulls out the exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the
waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and A salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and
says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change In your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll
have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That willBe
$9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and Pulls out the exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the
waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato and A salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and
says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change In your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
Simple math:
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully...
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully...
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!
Diarrhea..
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"
17.2.13
16.2.13
History of the Condom
In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Don't thank me for these dubious facts; I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Don't thank me for these dubious facts; I do this as a public service for the advancement of education.
Wal-Mart wine?
Announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a New discount
item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest Retail chain is teaming
up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at
affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts but, 'There ...is a market for inexpensive wine,'
said Kathy Micken, professor of Marketing at University of Arkansas,
Bentonville. 'However, branding
Will be very important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to
determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother posting to tell me that this is a hoax. I know Squirrel is
not a red meat.
item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest Retail chain is teaming
up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at
affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts but, 'There ...is a market for inexpensive wine,'
said Kathy Micken, professor of Marketing at University of Arkansas,
Bentonville. 'However, branding
Will be very important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to
determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother posting to tell me that this is a hoax. I know Squirrel is
not a red meat.
15.2.13
14.2.13
Q and A with the president.
President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name. " Walter," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Walter?"
"I have four questions" First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?" Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?" Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?" Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess.
Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we?
Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have two questions. First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?" Second, "What the hell happened to Walter?"
13.2.13
Logical...
> Just can't beat this logic
>
> A Ukrainian walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loan officer.
> He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business for two weeks
> and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor at the bank.
>
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
> The loan; so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car
> was parked on the street in front of the bank.
>
> The Ukrainian produced the title for the car, and everything checked out.
>
>
> The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
> Apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
>
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
> Ukrainian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
> employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground
> garage and parked it.
>
> Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned and repaid the $5,000 and interest
> of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
> business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
> little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
> are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: Why would you bother to borrow
> $5,000?"
>
> The Ukrainian replied, "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two
> Weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
>
> Ah, the Ukrainians... See! Koobasa & Vodka is good for the brain.
>
> A Ukrainian walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loan officer.
> He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business for two weeks
> and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor at the bank.
>
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
> The loan; so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car
> was parked on the street in front of the bank.
>
> The Ukrainian produced the title for the car, and everything checked out.
>
>
> The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
> Apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
>
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
> Ukrainian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
> employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground
> garage and parked it.
>
> Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned and repaid the $5,000 and interest
> of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
> business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
> little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
> are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: Why would you bother to borrow
> $5,000?"
>
> The Ukrainian replied, "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two
> Weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
>
> Ah, the Ukrainians... See! Koobasa & Vodka is good for the brain.
12.2.13
11.2.13
Las Vegas Hooker:
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's
worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once..
I'll give it a try.."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-
job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job
is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He
can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides
to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable
experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy.
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the
hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's
worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once..
I'll give it a try.."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-
job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job
is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He
can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides
to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable
experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces & shows?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy.
10.2.13
9.2.13
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)