Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion
and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked.
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
them for thirty years.
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
strength of the lifeboats.
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
for, I have no idea.
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
Arthur C Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.