30.6.11
29.6.11
Politically incorrect jokes... but still really funny!!!
My new neighbor popped his head over the fence today and said, “Hey Homes...Wa's goin' down?” I said, “The value of my fucking house you black prick!”
One week later he pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.” I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit.
He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!”
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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
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Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
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What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”
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Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I serviced a Girl called Penny – spooky or what?
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
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My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
___________________________________________________
When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Albertan men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child…. Obviously none of them have ever seen an Arab being run down by a Tractor Trailer.
He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!”
____________________________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
____________________________________________________
Recession beater. Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.” He replies, “If you take it up the arse and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
____________________________________________________
What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
____________________________________________________
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”
____________________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
____________________________________________________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I serviced a Girl called Penny – spooky or what?
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
____________________________________________________
My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.
___________________________________________________
When asked in a recent survey, 90 per cent of Albertan men responded that their most memorable and joyous moment in life was being present at the birth of their first-born child…. Obviously none of them have ever seen an Arab being run down by a Tractor Trailer.
28.6.11
27.6.11
Riding lawnmover for the wife:
My Wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.
She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work
and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker
so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.
SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.
To this day I have never been able to understand
why some women are so hard to please .
She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work
and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker
so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.
SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower.
I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.
To this day I have never been able to understand
why some women are so hard to please .
Daily words of wisdom:
SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE JUST TRUE.
Before and after sex....
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.
Have a good week....
Before and after sex....
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.
Have a good week....
Words on women:
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' Error! Filename not specified. 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
It's The Box Office.'
Quote of the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '
An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' Error! Filename not specified. 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'
That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
It's The Box Office.'
Quote of the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly....on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.
Avast to go mobile, get VPN | The Download Blog - Download.com
Avast to go mobile, get VPN | The Download Blog - Download.com
just in time for all the new viruses...
Loving husband?
A man had two of the best hockey tickets for the Stanley Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next
to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Stanley Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
A man had two of the best hockey tickets for the Stanley Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next
to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Stanley Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
Texas Sheriff's Deputy Entrance Exam:
A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. Was
being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good,
but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can
be accepted."
Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to the
man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth
dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.
"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can
you start?"
Gotta love Texas
26.6.11
Muslim women:
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”
Barbara Walters, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”
25.6.11
blonde joke...sorry skat! :)
Two sisters, one blonde and one redhead, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in the next town, so that they can stop paying breeding fees and breed their own stock..
But they only have $600 to work with. So, the redhead tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home.'
The redhead arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for
$599.00 no less. She agrees and pays him, then drives to the nearest telegraph office to tell her sister the good news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck, and drive here so we can haul it home.' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'
Well, after paying for the bull, the redhead only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'.'
The operator looks at her and shakes his head.. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck, and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you only send her just the one word, 'comfortable'?'
So the redhead explains, 'My sister is a blonde. That word is big. She'll read it very slowly........
com-for-da-bull'.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in the next town, so that they can stop paying breeding fees and breed their own stock..
But they only have $600 to work with. So, the redhead tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home.'
The redhead arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for
$599.00 no less. She agrees and pays him, then drives to the nearest telegraph office to tell her sister the good news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck, and drive here so we can haul it home.' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.'
Well, after paying for the bull, the redhead only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'.'
The operator looks at her and shakes his head.. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck, and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch, if you only send her just the one word, 'comfortable'?'
So the redhead explains, 'My sister is a blonde. That word is big. She'll read it very slowly........
com-for-da-bull'.
Edmonton exceeds 2010 homicide rate - Crime - Canoe.ca
Edmonton exceeds 2010 homicide rate - Crime - Canoe.ca
Once again, E-town's breakin' all the records...
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