My Living Will:

I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of those pinheaded partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology exam if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.  If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a beer ______a Margarita ____ a Scotch and water______a Caesar ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Tee Time ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______the remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______the Opinion page in the paper______Sex ______or a hamburger and fries..............

it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, turn out the lights and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call
the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast all the great times we have had over the years.

Signature:__________________________ Date: _____

NOTE: However, if I'm just somewhat incapacitated, send me over to Ireland where they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. I could learn to like Irish whiskey. I've heard that some of the patients don't even need embalming when their time comes...