Short ones:

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning
to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the
right answer. They've sent my form back!
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Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing
line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothespins
back. 
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